Boyfriends for a Day

Brian and I weren't really attracted to each other, which was probably a good thing. He didn't fit my sexual template and I didn't fit his, and we were in very different places in our lives with about a 20 year age difference between us. But we had each been revealing our ambivalence about the whole dating thing to our small group within the larger community of men on this retreat. We had both questioned aloud whether we really wanted a relationship again at all. 

A stinging end to a stormy relationship was still painfully fresh for Brian. He'd been dumped amidst accusations of betrayal and distrust. And was angry at himself for his part in the break up, as well as for growing a spare tire around his middle in the immediate aftermath. 

And for me, all the grief of losing the comfort and daily contact with Michael was far from resolved, although I wasn't ready to admit that. I was insisting that I was on the cusp of something completely new in my life; that I had unloaded my heart of the bags of longing, expectation, and attachment; that I was mentally and physically primed and ready to engage fully with a lover, or many lovers, if only I could meet men worthy of my powerful, loving attention. 

But our group leader reminded us that this week-long retreat was a perfect opportunity to take a risk. He suggested to all of us that we use this time to design experiments for our own personal learning. And at the end of our second meeting, after listening to Brian whine about why he was just not cut out for being in a relationship, our group leader gave him the assignment to find someone at the retreat with whom he could explore boyfriend-like interactions to discover which he wanted to keep and which not; to find out which still interested him and which he was done with. 

And as for me, our group leader had been urging me to begin thinking about myself as an "Elder" in the gay community, a word and a concept I was flatly not interested in. It sounded old to me, and definitely not sexy. After all, I loved my body's fluid responses, its mobilities, its litheness. I loved getting appreciation for my easy movement, authentic expressiveness, nakedly mature beauty. And I was even getting over my embarrassment at my too easy erections and learning to honor them without a need to do anything about them. I was not ready to set my erotic and romantic desires aside, as I imagined that "Elder" role demanded. 

But I was ready to explore what it might look like or feel like to do conscious and intentional erotic healing work. And the Body Electric School that organized this retreat, was known for training what they referred to as "Sacred Intimates", guys who put their own bodies on the line in the service of helping other men suffering from relationship traumas, sexual dysfunction, and a lack of intimacy skills, as well as the generalized shame and wounding of growing up in a homophobic culture. 

So after our small group meeting that evening, I cornered Brian, and offered to be his boyfriend for 24 hours--so he could learn what it might still offer him, and whether he wanted to invest further effort in pursuing a romantic relationship back home--but also so that I could try out my skills at playing an unabashedly romantic role for the sake of his healing, and do it in a way that stretched my learning. 

We started right away at dinner, caressing each other's hands frequently while making lots of eye contact and talking about what we liked about previous boyfriends and partners, and our hopes for future relationships. We made this first part of the experiment as much like a first date as we could. We even pretended we were smitten with each other with exaggerated sighs and gestures of adulation...and laughed together at our pretense. 

After excusing ourselves from the social gathering in the lodge in order to have some private couple time, we went for a quiet stroll to the point. We held each other close as the sundown was replaced by moonlight. We shared more intimate stories (true stories this time) of successes and failures with past lovers while holding hands on our way back into camp. 

Back at his tent, I lay in his arms as we shared even more intimate details well into the night. My fingers traced his lips and his ears, my face nuzzled his chest. Although it was stretching the retreat rules, I cuddled with him all night...and it felt great! 

The next morning, we held hands and gazed into each other's eyes over breakfast. We sought each other out for hugs and connection at each break in the morning's program. In the short-hand, conspiratorial way only boyfriends do, he whispered quips about others in the camp into my ear while I used my nose to tickle his neck. 

Later in the day, I reported to our small group that even though we had agreed to be boyfriends for just a day, the actions of giving and receiving this particular kind of affection and personal attention had significantly improved my mood. My body's nervous system didn't know that it was only temporary. My body believed it was being loved and nurtured for real. The kisses felt real. The hugs and hand-holding felt real. The shifts in my attitude were definitely real. 

Brian and I were having such a good time with this experiment that we decided we would extend it through another evening. He noticed how he was getting attached, not to me really, but to the feeling of being my boyfriend. I loved having his attention and caresses, and was fantasizing about having sex with him. When, like a good boyfriend, I shared that fantasy with him, his eyes lit up. 

Sex with Brian was soft, easy...and ultimately revelatory. It started with the usual stuff...kissing, hugging, caressing, getting naked, mutual masturbation. But when we realized that some of our sexual desires weren't a good match, and that both of us were completely OK with letting those go, it was a huge relief. We weren't disappointed later either, because neither of us gave our sexual mis-match any weight. In our very short relationship experiment, we simply weren't ready to do the more involved work of challenging and expanding each other's sexual habits. 

The hard part of the whole experiment hit us the next morning when we realized that it was over. The lack of affectionate touch for the rest of the day was a real downer to our moods. Both of us felt depressed by the time we met with our small group in the afternoon. 

Brian reported that the dissolving of the relationship, although scripted in advance, was really hard for him to deal with. He hated feeling so alone, and was now convinced that having a boyfriend in his life back home had to be at the top of his agenda. 

I learned a lot from this experiment, too. Like how powerful intention can be... Like how diligent my physical body is in recording and responding to its very real energetic, tactile, kinesthetic, and kinetic experience... Like how, even though my body may not know the social constructs of the situation, and may have no clue about the judgments I've concocted in my head about the specific person I am relating to, it knows when it is having a good time. 

It knows in its own way when it has been treated with love and care, and when erotic arousal has been accompanied by emotional vulnerability and authentic caring. It recognizes its own reality, and seeks out its own pleasures when given half a chance. It teaches me what is important to reach for, when I let its pleasures point the way. 

I also learned that bringing my full loving presence to another man, coupled with my willingness to offer my body to the process, has great potential for healing deep psychophysical wounds--both his and mine.