Consulting a Psychic
"Shit." I muttered as I caught my weight just before my foot would have plowed into one of the slushy moats that protected the fortress of dingy snow guarding the corner at First Avenue. I climbed over it and cautiously picked my way further east on 7th Street, past uncollected trash piled in clumps, toward the intersection of Avenue A and the unfamiliar territory of Alphabet City, weaving back-and-forth to avoid swamping my boots with more icy sludge.
The piles of black bags nearly obstructed the foot paths that had been carved earlier that day by the thousands keeping to their work schedules in spite of yesterday's storm. "Ugh." I scrunched my nose. "Trash day."
Keeping my head down against the biting wind, and mulling over and over what I wanted to ask Joan--a psychic channel that one of our performer friends had recommended to Drew and me--I was surprised when another pile of dirty snow indicated that I'd come to the end of the block. I'd passed her building. I retraced my steps, looking for a door painted blue. But I ended up back at First Avenue. Still no blue door.
"Shit." I said into my thick scarf. I was going to be late. I ducked into a doorway out of the wind, fumbled in my backpack for the address, turned around, and walked back to that number. There, directly under the stoop, hidden behind piles of trash, I spotted a stairway down to a blue door. I picked my way down and knocked. I waited.
Maybe the trash bags, the wind, the slush, and the hidden blue door are trying to tell me something. A high, nasal voice called from behind the door. "Hello?"
"It's Roger."
A mousy woman pulled the door open with one delicate hand while pulling her shawls tighter around her. Her dilated pupils blinked at the intrusion of light. I held onto the door frame, squinted into the dark space behind her, and took two cautious steps down. Against the wall of her entrance room, several large paintings on easels stood at attention. With intense alternations of vivid blue and green, violet and red, these paintings featured strange hovering figures with huge eyes, human but not human, benevolent but also austere. When she caught me staring at them, she smiled and shrugged. "I just paint what I see." Then she pointed to the coat hook on the wall and the boot mat on the floor. Without another word, she motioned me to follow and disappeared into the next room.
There, surrounded by candlelight, I began to take in this small, pale woman, living mostly in the dark. Layers of colorful shawls concealed her actual physical shape. Frizzy black hair was pulled back in a lopsided ponytail, secured, it seemed, without a mirror. The wild look in her eyes didn't quite fit with her soft smile and the fluid gestures of her delicate hands.
She arranged herself among the many pillows on the sofa and pointed to a chair opposite her. "You sit there." Then, without a pause, "Have you thought about what you want to ask?"
"Yes." I pulled a notepad out of my backpack. "I have a list of things, but I'm not sure which ones are most important."
"Well, my guides will certainly address everything important for you at this time. They will help you understand where you are now and make suggestions for the immediate future. What issues or concerns do you most want help with?"
I consulted my notes, then glanced back at her. She was now scribbling on a yellow legal pad.
"I'm struggling with the direction for my next dance. That's the first issue. What should I focus on right now? How should I best use my dancers to express my vision?" I was deliberately expressing my questions in broad, vague terms, not wanting to give away too many details. My skeptical side wondered how accurately she could read me, and wanted to test whether her guides had anything of value to share with me.
What I really wanted to know was if the effort to continually develop new performance material out of the intersection of non-verbal vocal improvisations and the dramatic elements of relationship, intimacy, space, timing, and sensual movement was worth it. Or if I should put more focus on pure movement pieces that expressed more lightness and freedom -- qualities I'd found in the somatic movement re-education work I'd been studying. I had already begun in the past year to integrate Trager's principles of weight release, loose jointed ease, and wave motion into my own dancing. These qualities now dominated the modern dance technique classes I offered to adult beginners and to would-be professional modern dancers.
"And the second area, that's related, is about my relationship with my partner. That relationship was the subject of one of my best pieces of choreography, and now I want to know more about it. Why am I in it? What does it offer me? And also, why are we struggling so much right now?"
She interrupted me with, "What's your partner's name?"
I'd intended to let her discover this information psychically, but I answered before thinking, "Drew." I realized I was outing myself, and then that she'd already met him. She also knew I had come on his referral because I had introduced myself to her that way on the phone when I made the appointment. I felt silly at my attempts to test her. She didn't react, so I went on.
"And then the third thing I wanted to ask about, is this hands-on healing work I've just begun to practice. Trager. Have you heard of it? Do you know about it?" I paused.
"No, but I don't think it really matters. I don't need to know the details. My guides will see the big picture and provide perspective about your soul-purpose in relation to this work. They'll see how this work fits into your soul growth."
Still skeptical, I plowed further into the crux of my question.
"Well, from the beginning of my first Trager session, I was filled with the feeling of coming home--at home in a way I've never felt before. Even when dancing. At home in my body in a new and effortless way, but also at home with the work itself as if I already knew how to do it. I got a flash that this work was my new professional home. So I want to ask about how important it is for me to do the whole training. Is this something I need to be studying right now? Do I need to go to California to study with Dr. Trager?" I paused and looked up from the notes in my hand.
"Is that all?" She peeped, then nibbled her pencil and concentrated on her pad.
"Well, the last thing is about my early morning time. Various practices have begun to worm their way into my mornings. There are so many I want to do now--several kinds of movement work, sitting meditation, breathing meditations, reading..." I made a beat with my hand in the air with each one, then added several more beats to indicate how long the list had become. "It is getting difficult to find time for them all and still make it to my ballet class. Which is most important? Do you want to know about all of them?"
"No, my guides will be able to to focus your attention on what's most important for you at this point in your life, and for the life you are intended to pursue, the life your soul came here for. Some will be articulated in the reading, and some will be provided each day when you tune to your own guidance. They know that you have been drawn here by an inner voice you can hardly hear, and they will turn up the volume to make it easier, now that you have requested it."
"Well, how do we begin?"
She repeated her understanding of my questions, then wrote a few more things on the notepad and handed it to me. I glanced at the instructions, precise but printed with childlike lettering.
"I will start," her voice rose and fell in a soft, airy cadence, "with some breathing exercises. Then I'll lie down on the mat and settle myself. When I am ready, I'll give you a nod to read me the instructions, exactly as I have them written. There may be a longish pause before my guides start to speak. When they are finished with their general information, you can ask them follow-up questions. When you are finished, please count me back up as is written there. Is that clear?"
I angled my body under the lamp next to my chair, took a closer look at the notepad in my hands, then nodded.
Joan shrugged two of her heavier shawls into a pile on the couch and hopped down onto the mat. On her hands and knees, she pumped her breath a dozen times, fast, then arched her back, held her breath for a long time, and with a strong exhale, folded quickly into child's pose, head in front of her knees. This pattern she repeated several more rounds. Then she stretched out on her back on the floor and got very quiet. In the silence, my mind drifted to how I'd found my way into this strange subterranean nest.
Drew had already been to see Joan, and he'd shared with me the uncanny accuracy of her perceptions. She'd zeroed in on the things that were bothering him and what he could do about it. All this had convinced him she had a gift. I'd decided I should at least give her a chance.
I felt adrift in my life--not getting traction with my dance career, unsure of my talent, and still reeling from Drew's decision to extricate himself from my experimental body-voice theater work and return to his early music roots. My own forays into non-traditional healing methods--acupressure treatments, diet changes, herbal remedies and flower essences--had already improved my overall health and state of mind. Why not dig deeper, I wondered, discover the direction my life wanted to take me now, after all these years in dance?
The movement of Joan's hands as she leaned over to turn on the tape recorder and whispered, "Okay", interrupted my thoughts. Taking the word as the cue to begin, I read the long, run-on sentence on the clipboard.
"I'm going to count from one to 10, where you will please focus and do a reading for the personality present, Roger, on his personal development, now, and what he needs to know to make the most of the coming year on all levels of his soul development, especially in terms of his artistic work, healing work, and relationship concerns."
Then I began counting slowly. "1...2...3...4..." I slowed down even more. "5.....6........7......8...........9.................." then took some time before finally saying, "10."
The room fell silent, except for the faint whir of the tape recorder reassuring me I could listen again later. I held still. Nothing happened for a couple of minutes. Then a comfortable warmth dropped around me. I pulled my feet up under me and sat back in my chair, intensely curious, but also patient and peaceful. When she finally spoke, her voice grew out of the floor and filled the room--halting, husky, weighty with meaning.
"Yes. We are viewing the personality present, Roger, and his soul development. Relating directly to the present moment and the various lives feeding into the present moment, we see here that the potentials are along the lines of creative expression. Creativity in physical movement, joy and connection to nature, healing capabilities and sensitivities of touch. Through reincarnation cycles, the entity has earned these gifts. "
I was captivated, but also perplexed. I grew concerned that this might be too complex for me to decipher or apply to my more ordinary ways of understanding myself. But Joan's guides gave me no time to contemplate and continued without skipping a beat.
"The being on the soul level has chosen different lives for different developments. This life needs to focus on the lightness possible in the physical plane."
"And there needs to be more faith in universal love, and for balance in this life, particularly in terms of emotional development. To strengthen his healing work and to stabilize his personal life, he needs to become more present on emotional levels and a clearer channel for emotional flow."
"It has been part of the process in the present karmic relationship with the mate..." Her voice drifted off, and for a moment there was only the sound of the tape recorder.
"Wait. Give us a moment here on this one..."
Another long pause. I looked around -- walls painted a dark blue, lamp draped with a scarf, candles glowing in the corners, this petite woman lying in the center of an oriental rug which itself lay on top of old, grey wall-to-wall carpet-- then her voice pulled me back, strong and clear again.
She started talking about karmic interrelationships developed through lifetimes in which Drew and I had each played male, female, and parental roles. She said that we had avoided emotional commitment, and now brought to this lifetime the desire to resolve and unwind this pattern.
Tears began to fill my eyes as the truth of this touched me below any conscious understanding. My recent struggles with Drew began to take on deeper meaning, with a much longer history than I had ever conceived. The emotional tug of my own inner churning distracted me so much that I missed what she was saying for a couple seconds.
"...someone has to start by breaking this pattern in this particular relationship."
I felt my shoulders get heavy. Were her guides laying all the responsibility on me to shift the dynamics with Drew? No, they were just letting me know that I had chosen this life to work on my capacity to stay present and connected on deeper levels. I must have missed something again, because she seemed to have shifted topics as she continued.
"Universal energies will be continually feeding into daily meditations now. Utilize a candle for meditation and visualize a flame in the heart eternally burning, replenishing the being at all times and serving as a channel for others. One moment..."
As Joan paused again, my mind wandered, this time to the living room of the apartment I shared with Drew. We had set up a small area in the corner as our meditation zone. We had already begun to go there each morning to practice. For me, it was almost impossible to sit still for more than a few minutes. My back ached. My mind wandered. The best I could do was some conscious deep breathing, then lie down for the more specific breath training both of us had learned from our voice teacher. That would sometimes lead to a slow, oozy movement improvisation that I thought of as "amoeba practice" followed by more usual stretches in preparation for dance class. But if Drew was with me, sitting still or doing his own breath and voice preparations, I felt self-conscious about exposing such unformed process to his much more focused attention.
Joan's voice interrupted my thoughts. "As part of an ongoing process of developing emotional resources, energy was put out into the world without material validation coming back. This has created a desire for more self-validation. Do have faith here that if belief structures about the self are changed through affirmations and self-love meditations done daily, separate from the partner, the emotional grounding will be much stronger."
"We will open it up now for specific questions."
I was caught off guard, and fumbled with my note pad. Then took a deep breath, found my list, and asked, "I'm concerned with the balance of the various classes and activities that I'm doing each week--choreographing, dancing, Shiatzu, Trager, and so on. Specifically, what training or practice do I need most?"
"Give us a moment."
Again, there was a long pause.
"Very well then. All these areas are good, as long as enjoyment and pleasure is connected with them. But there first needs to be inner work allowing more universal energies to flow into the chakra system--to strengthen the whole system, even down into the neurological structures. In order to handle more energy in the hands-on healing work, the circuitry needs to be strengthened. This will bring personal emotional fulfillment, for it will always be work that flows through and replenishes the being as it flows outward to others. Is there more needed here?"
This sounds great, but what do they mean by universal energies? I know what the chakra system is, but what do they mean by strengthening the circuitry? Should I ask for more details? The answer seems somehow complete, and somehow very right. And anyway, I can just go for my specific questions and leave the understanding of it all for later. So, I simply went on with the list on my pad.
"What collaborations should I aim for next? And how should I evaluate the collaborations I've had in the recent past with dancers and composers?"
"First, recognize the professional interactions as necessary to project creativity out into the world. See them as part of the schooling for the soul. All the heaviness and detail of getting the work out there is part of the price, so focus on the enjoyment and pleasure of the doing. Through this period, enjoyment and pleasure are the primary criteria in terms of choice of project. Is there more needed here?"
I was stunned at the simple truth of it. Also a bit disappointed that she wasn't going to be more specific about who or what should be next for me--that she, or rather her guides were just giving me the criteria for choices rather than choosing for me.
Intent on driving through my list, I continued. "When will I be ready to teach again, either in dance or bodywork? What learning is involved for me in being a teacher."
She must have picked up on my determination because she didn't hesitate, firing back answers as fast as I could articulate the questions. "In teaching--sharing what one has, igniting in others the enjoyment of dancing and deep connectedness in bodywork--the primary focus needs to be on the pleasure in giving to others. The gifts and talents of this being are vibrationally tuned for teaching. They are unique in the universe."
My chest swelled with self-importance. "How soon would it be wise for me to try and arrange to do more teaching?
"It can start small with individuals this summer. Work on yourself, work with individuals, and, as inner energies strengthen, larger groups will be magnetized."
"How should I view the strengths and weaknesses in my choreography?"
"In each work created there is much that is learned about the process of creativity. Each one needs to be viewed as a stepping stone, a manifestation of the divine to the degree that this being can be a clear channel for creative expression of universal energies. As the being works on inner clearing and strengthening, the creative work will become more universal in nature and more powerful. It is all connected to the inner strengthening, and each is a stepping stone to grace."
A stepping stone to grace? What does that mean? I'm not interested in grace. The idea of grace scares me. I don't feel ready even to hear about it. So, I came back at her from a much baser level of concern. "How can I get my choreography to support itself?"
She (or her guides) were unperturbed. "In this area, it will be for pleasure and enjoyment. A price needs to be paid for the next year or two. The paradox will be in the personal choice to complete the process to put the work out for the sheer enjoyment of the seeing it manifested. As this becomes clearer, the probabilities will align for more material equalization. But first, there needs to be the choice to do it for the sheer pleasure and not for the material remuneration. This is a tricky one."
"Why do I have trouble taking money? Accepting payment?"
"This has to do with self-validation, self-love, self-worth, and this does need to be worked on in daily meditations to develop an inner, undeniable, unshakable core of validity with less and less ambivalence, so that more and more is magnetized to this being. It takes much inner strength and power to be a receiver, to be receptive to the gifts that move towards one."
"What is a possible immediate solution to the conflict with my partner on the money issue?"
"On the immediate issue, get the money elsewhere to meet the agreement with Drew. Take emotional responsibility in this case. If there are immediate needs to be met, meet them by borrowing elsewhere, with faith that you will magnetize the funds through individual bodywork sessions this summer to pay back. But, not being an equal partner on an emotional level is, in the long run, not helpful for the personality present. Is this clear?"
"Yes." Slightly uncomfortable, I paused to form the next question. "What is most important for Drew and I to work on now?"
"There needs to be self-work now (and we will focus on the personality present) on inner levels -- self-love and self-validation. Positive feelings for self will have the most benefit, and will feed into the relationship. The work cannot be done with the other. It must be done alone, and then fed in and shared."
"Is this also true in working for a more satisfactory sex life?"
"Give us a moment..."
While she waited for her guides to formulate their response, I started to daydream about what I thought I meant--what I hoped for. I had visions of somehow returning to the unstudied, hungry and spontaneous lovemaking we had begun our relationship with. I wanted sex to feel all consuming, with none of the daily life disagreements in the room. And at the same time, I wanted to feel more personally supported in my emotional ups and downs. I wasn't thinking about the flirtations or sexual liaisons ("dalliances" as Drew might have called them) with various other guys each of us still occasionally allowed for ourselves and each other, but she must have picked up on that.
"There needs to be flexibility to expand the vibratory levels. That is to say that, as each goes out in separate play, there will be more to share, energetically and on sexual interchange levels. Each needs to go out and to go in deeper to self, and then share it."
I smiled to myself, a little surprised and a lot pleased. Taking off from that theme, I asked. "How can we best handle being constantly apart? And then together again?"
"This is the best possible situation for each of you, in that it can be utilized for strengthening both inner and outer opening for each separately--through the spiritual meditation, through the creative manifestations of the universal energies--so that when the two come together, there is much to share, based on the work done separately. Recognize that all that can be done--that can be utilized, that can be channeled and experienced alone and separate--is part of what one can share when together--part of, not separate--all feeding in."
"Do we need at this point a specific spiritual focus?"
"We will say, only for the personality present, the focus needs to be on the chakra work, the strengthening of such, and on the self-love and the self-worth validations. If this is desired at present by the personality, you can then complete this reading by the channel guiding the self-love meditation experientially."
"That will be very helpful."
"Are there any more questions, then, before we shift the focus to the meditation? We will save this for the ending."
I asked more questions about important people for me to focus on, about dealing with an upcoming family reunion, about recurring body and health problems. Repeatedly she came back to my need to focus on developing emotional stability, stronger feelings of self-worth, clearer channeling of universal energies, and
particular work on opening my chakra system. She gave a few diet tips to aid the clearing and detoxing, and suggested not to give the occasional tensions in the body too much weight--that these are just a hazard of the callings I am pursuing and will pass more and more easily as I clear out my energy channels.
Eventually, I felt I could not take much more in, and asked her to focus on the promised self-love meditation.
She went on without a beat. "What we will do then, is have the channel deliver the meditation experientially. This meditation is to be used on the daily basis. If done so, it will reap a multitude of inner and outer manifestations of a very positive nature. We will bring the channel into physical focus without any countdown or break in the flow."
Immediately, Joan's voice became lighter, airer, and her tone softer, more lyrical. "Empty the brain and focus on the breathing. Just relax with a candle parallel to the heart. Visualize the flame burning in the center of the heart chakra. The eternal flame is never extinguished, but always burning--this fuel of universal love that is always there for you. This flame burns any negative emotions that come up. Just throw them into the fire of the heart and use them for fuel. Nothing is ever wasted. Any anger, any fear can be thrown into the fire of the heart and the used as fuel. Keep the flame in the heart, as part of the awareness, always. I want you to focus visually on the energy here, keeping the awareness of the flame as eternally burning in your heart, fueled by universal love. Focus on your energy in your heart. The connection is always open, always there for you."
She sat up rather quickly, and smiled broadly, saying, almost more to herself, "I love it when they keep the channels open when they bring me back."
Then she moved over to a simple mirror hanging behind the door, and motioned for me to follow. When I took a seat next to her, she said to me in the mirror, "I'm going to say some affirmations. I want you to look at yourself saying them with as much conviction as you can muster."
I looked at myself, made a silly face at first, then got serious again. She went on as if this were the most normal thing in the world...sitting looking at ourselves in the mirror. "Put whatever hand is comfortable over your heart, and pump it. Any feelings that come up, throw them into the heart. This is for self-love. This is to strengthen the heart, and the universal forces too."
I turned a resolute gaze to my own face in the mirror, now, and repeated each phrase exactly as she said them.
"You are beautiful.
I love you.
You are imperfect.
I forgive you.
I love you.
You are worthy.
I love you."
It dawned on me that I was saying this to myself from some place deep inside. I glanced at her. She caught my eye, gave me a soft smile, lifted her eyebrows in a way that asked whether she could continue. I swallowed hard, then nodded.
"You are beautiful.
I love you.
You are imperfect.
I forgive you.
I love you.
You are worthy.
I love you."
Tears had begun streaming down my face. She did not stop. Nor did I.
"You are evolving towards perfection at the fastest possible harmonic rate.
I love you.
You are beautiful.
I love you.
You are imperfect.
I forgive you.
I love you.
You are worthy.
I love you."
Here she paused, waiting only long enough for me to calm my breathing. Then continued, slower and with more weight in each word.
"You are becoming, and have become, a knowing co-creator with all that is.
I love you."
Her voice returned to its airy lightness, and she sat back to look directly at me. I stayed glued to the mirror, unable to take my eyes off my hand on my heart.
"Now pause and just feel the universal love flow into you. Let yourself be filled. Send it back to yourself and recognize that to the degree you can let this love fill you will you magnetize love to you. Let this love flow. Anything else you are working on, anything you desire to happen, can be affirmed in this meditation. Any fears, anything negative that comes up, you may throw into the fire. After each affirmation, say 'I love you.' Is that clear?"
I just nodded. I could not speak. She handed me a box of tissues. Blowing my nose marked the end of the session, and after I bundled up and said good-bye to Joan at her subterranean door, my still puffy and bloodshot eyes were greeted by a hopeful winter sun burning through the clouds. I made my way back to the subway, sidewalks now cleared of trash, seeing the remarkable beauty in the faces I passed.
